Can We Talk About Sleep?

Sleep: every mothers favourite topic of conversation, (and comparison!).

It’s such a tough and emotive topic for many people, and I am not here to tell anyone what, when or how to get a baby to sleep. But instead I want to share my experience of sleep as a new mum – that’s right, I’m not going to focus on how much Oscar does or doesn’t sleep, but instead relay the reality of my sleep pattern, sleep deprivation and sleep desperation. I know many mothers have it worse, and I’m painfully aware plenty of them have it better. But here is my reality, please read it with kindness and understanding, and leave any judgement elsewhere…

Imagine setting your alarm to go off every 2-3 hours from about 10pm through the night and when it goes off you have to go and sit in another room and stay awake for half an hour... sometimes an hour and a half before you can go back to bed again... each time you try to leave the room it’s pot luck as to whether your shift sitting there will be extended by another 20minutes or more, or, if you are lucky, you might get out first time.

When you get back into bed and you’re just about to fall asleep again, your alarm goes off (around 2 hours after it went off before) and you do it all over again and again and again. Until sometime between 6am-8am you give up trying to get anymore rest.

And then it’s the day... you have to stay awake during the day – actual life happens during those hours and you need to function, socialise, go to baby classes, and not miss any appointments – and the only break you get is approximately 20mins three times a day (sometimes just twice). In that break you can go to the toilet, or clear up from the last meal, or try and drink a hot drink. Note I say ‘or’, because you can’t do them all in the little time you have – just pick one, then your alarm is going to go off again and your time is up. Oh, and sometimes all those breaks are consumed by walking or driving because it’s the only way your baby will settle, or it’s a break restricted to being sat on the sofa doing nothing else because most often a contact nap was the only acceptable nap.

Now imagine that, EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. AND. NIGHT. with no end in sight, and with no visible improvement, no stand in, no sick days, and no let up. EVER.

That was my life from the newborn days to around eight months. I was having the keep someone else alive, and run our house and do all the normal things people do.

Like anyone in this day and age, I used social media to find potential solutions, I followed plans that had worked for other people, watched webinars on no-crying techniques, and kept reading all the opinions and data on how important and normal it was to feed babies to sleep and tend to every cry and wake in the night with more feeding.

The social media accounts and posts justified and helped me continue doing what I was doing, but in hindsight it didn’t help my wellbeing as I battled with knowing what I was doing was ‘best for baby’ vs the sheer exhaustion I had to exist on for such a long time. There seemed to be two very distinctive camps that were full of judgement and condemnation. I had no idea what team I was on, my heart was saying one thing but my body was screaming another. I was torn.

When Oscar was born I’d struggled for a long period initially to establish breastfeeding to a point where it wasn’t painful (perhaps a blog for another time), so I think part of the cycle we were in was down to feeling that the power of breastfeeding my baby to sleep was a big accomplishment I didn’t want to walk away from. There were also a lot of other things going on in my life (the pandemic for one) that I wasn’t in control of, but being able to feed my baby and physically do something to get him to sleep was something I could control, and loved being able to do. I was torn further.

 But despite my love and mothering instinct, I became more and more sleep deprived and more and more desperate. I couldn’t see how I could follow all that advice, continue what I was doing and equally prioritise my own health (which is a whole other camp of evangelists!).

I was so conflicted and torn as to what I should do, what I needed to do, not to mention how to do it. There were too many voices and opinions, most of them well meaning, and lots of them well founded. But I went through my Instagram and unfollowed anyone related to sleep, and my internal conflict lessened.

The cycle of sleep (or lack of) went on for months. I could just about function enough to survive most days. I worried about being awake enough to drive (which was sometimes the only way to get Oscar to sleep). I worried that trying any form of sleep training or changes would make things worse, or mentally scar Oscar, and quite frankly I didn’t have the energy to try something difficult. I worried how many more times I’d leave a pan to boil dry, or if I’d fall down the stairs carrying him again and injure myself worse, or heaven forbid injure Oscar. I worried how I’d ever be able to remember things or how to have a decent conversation when my mind struggled to recall the basic words to use. And of course I worried about Oscar not getting the full rest he needed to develop.

Thankfully Oscar is generally a happy boy, even on broken sleep and short naps, so my main concern was how sustainable MY sleep deprivation was.

The answer? It wasn’t sustainable for me.

My sister had done some coaching for a group of baby sleep specialists and, without my knowledge, had asked one of them to speak to me in a short consultation. I was taken aback, but also grateful. It was the nudge I needed to actually do something proactive to improve the situation, and stop waiting for things to ‘just get better eventually’. I’m not sure I’d advise doing this for someone else but she is my sister, and I know her intentions had my health and mental wellbeing at the heart and I think she was spot on in knowing exactly what I needed, when I was too tired to know.

 This is in no way an ad but I am more than happy to advocate for the incredible support and guidance we had through sleep consultant Beth (Starry Nights Baby Sleep). I knew before I spoke to her I needed to break the habit of feeding to sleep, not only as a way to get him to sleep longer, but also so I could share the burden of night wakings and bedtimes. We also worked on achieving more consistent naps by switching to a specific time of day as opposed to at the end of an awake window. The initial call gave me so much hope, I was revitalised with her suggestions and optimism that there was plenty we could do to improve things. Hallelujah!

Honestly, within 3 days Oscar slept through the night, he went down without crying and didn’t wake or cry for me at all. His naps quickly fell into place too, going from 30-40min max to an hour and 15 minimum! I was finally getting the respite and rest my body and brain needed. It wasn’t all plain sailing, some nights were really tough, I remember sitting with him one night for an hour and a half before he fell asleep again. But Oscar never cried alone, I was always with him until he fell asleep, he had my presence and comfort and touch as much as he needed.

A few months on I used Beth again to help us transition down to one nap a day and now we’ve been able to delight in three hour long naps on the odd occasion, but a 2 hour nap more often! From never napping more than 30mins and waking every two hours through the night, to now falling asleep independently and sleeping for the length he really needed, it was like a miracle I wish I knew was possible.

I’m aware there is huge debate about any form of sleep training or guidance, and I’m not here to tell anyone what is right or not. And I know I wasn’t doing anything wrong by feeding him to sleep every time he woke. I also know meeting those needs was important, for both of us. And I’m not sad or guilty that we did it that way for so long.

But it was clear to me (and everyone around me) that it wasn’t sustainable. I know that I was broken, mentally and physically. I know that I needed to invest in a change. A change that has benefited everyone in the house.

I appreciate the science, data and opinions but I truly believe that at the end of the day you must do what is best for you. As mums (and parents in general) we always try our best, and by working with a sleep consultant or not, you are likely to be doing so because it is the right decision for you in that moment.

I urge any severely sleep deprived parent to take action, and never feel you just have to wait for the phase to end, especially if that phase is doing you damage.

You are important.

Your sleep needs are important.

And only your opinion of what is right matters.