Mistakes I Made When I Returned To Work

I’ve already blogged about doing too much as a working mum, but there have been some other mistakes I’ve made that have caught up with me more recently. It’s taken a little while for me to recognise them as the mistakes that they are, and it’s taken some conscious effort to fix them. I hope that by sharing them here I can help someone else returning to work after maternity leave make a few less mistakes than did.

I always knew I wanted to take the maximum time away from work that I was able to, and I was fortunate enough to have a full year of maternity leave. But even though I was completely entitled to that time I went back to work feeling like I had to prove my worth. I felt like I needed to reassure my manager that she did the right thing holding on to a job for me and letting me return. I thought I needed to work as hard as humanly possible to show them I was just as capable as before, and that I was back with my strong work ethic and can-do attitude. My mind set was that I owed them. I acted like taking maternity wasn’t acceptable, normal, and ok as a part of my career path, even though it was a choice I made and stand by. I definitely felt I had to prove myself against male colleagues who’d never take a year out in the same way. I gave myself no allowances and expected to jump back in to my full working capacity and ability.

Before I left I made the most meticulous handover notes, and filing systems and sign off emails to leave my role in someone else’s hands even though I was aware the role I would go back to would be something different. A year is a long time to be away from a company and a team, and unsurprisingly I returned to find a lot had changed. New products and new strategies, people had swapped roles or left so my contacts weren’t up to date, and documents were all stored in new places. I was definitely a newbie again and I really hated that feeling.

MISTAKE #1: Pressure

I’ve been with the company 12 years so feeling like a ‘new starter’ was really unfamiliar, uncomfortable, and in those first few weeks back especially I felt like I was failing. My first mistake was pressuring myself to jump back in to being amazing at my job, being super dependable, making the right decisions, and being the expert. I hated having to ask for help and needing guidance on the basic things. But the reality is that no one can walk back into a company after a year away and perform as though only a weekend has passed. I put myself under incredible scrutiny, and got myself upset on a few occasions with the frustration that I wasn’t finding it easy. I expected better of myself, but that was unfair.

I returned to work in a brand new role. My responsibilities had shifted quite a bit from what I was used to but I relished the idea of a new challenge and making a mark. I was in my element in some ways, and I thought it was the perfect opportunity to prove myself to everyone at work. But ‘my element’ was saying yes, to everything. Listening to every question and request and taking on the responsibility to answer it or fix it. I wasn’t checking if it was actually something in my remit or role, I just took it all on. I was so desperate to prove myself as valuable to the team again I thought this was the way to do it – just like the old me would have done.

MISTAKE #2: Boundaries

A lack of boundaries was definitely my second mistake. I’ve always been someone who goes above and beyond and I fully expected to be able to do this in exactly the same way after having a baby. I went back and didn’t set a single boundary which left me scared to say no, and overly apologetic if I was ever not able to do something. I still have my work ethic and attitude that makes me good at my job and an asset to my team and company – that hasn’t changed. But all the unpaid overtime, and being such a ‘yes’ person was something I couldn’t do any more. I have different priorities (at work and at home) and have finally come to a realisation that I can’t do everything. I’m working part time hours now, and doing them in condensed days, so my time is far more precious and although it took 6 months to work out I know I need to be incredibly organised with my time and establish (and keep) new boundaries I’ve never set before.

MISTAKE #3: Expectations

My third mistake was worrying about meeting unrealistic expectations. I was constantly trying to live up to expectations I thought others had of me and that I had of myself. In reality I don’t think a single colleague expected me to be the same person I was before I left, I also don’t think they were expecting me to be worse, or better for that matter. They probably all thought (if they thought about me at all) that I’d be different. The one person who didn’t expect me to be different was me.

Saying that out loud, and writing it down here, I can see how ludicrous that sounds (and it literally makes me laugh out loud). And yet there I was 6+ months into my new role still expecting myself to be a version of myself that was long gone. I was still fighting hard against my new outside work priorities of being a mum, and getting angered and frustrated when childcare fell through and I lost a precious work day. I wanted to give myself fully to work during office hours, but I learned the hard way that babies that go to nursery get sick a lot at first. So being dependable and being able to work even my contracted hours was not always possible in those first few months, I actually became a lot less reliable and consistent at work, and I hated that feeling so badly.

So going back to work was not a breeze for me. I ended up stressed as hell trying to do all the things I could possibly do, and meet all the expectations I thought other people had for me, and trying to function under a crazy amount of pressure I put on myself. I was most definitely my worst enemy, and I wish I had instead been my best champion. I needed kindness, patience, and forgiveness – three things I definitely did not give myself.

But instead of berating myself about how wildly wrong I was about returning to work or beating myself up for all the mistakes I’ve made since returning, I am trying to reframe it as a learning curve, one that I’ve definitely learnt from and one that maybe you can too.

Rectifying these mistakes has not been quick or easy. It’s taken a lot of conscious mind-set shifting, boundary setting and gentle self-forgiveness. And there is still a long journey ahead of me. I am continuously working on being content with my new life of juggling work and home. I am actively trying to accept all of the new priorities I have, that don’t need to be justified. I am still working out how all the elements of my life fit together and how to balance them all.

Some days things are easy and my mind set is spot on keeping me on track and feeling good. Other days I quickly get overwhelmed again and it can take a while to stop and breathe and it’s more of a conscious effort to identify mistakes and take a different course of action. It can be hard, and that’s ok to. It’s hard because it’s a change. A change from how I used to work for over a decade, which in hindsight might not have been healthy for me even pre-child.

I’m grateful for the journey and the learnings, I’m grateful to have been able to identify these mistakes. And I’m grateful that I have the strength to change, however slowly and non-linear the progress might feel along the way.

I wish anyone returning to work after maternity gives themselves grace and time. It might not be as easy as you think or hope, but you are not alone.