How To Support Someone Suffering A Miscarriage
Miscarriage can feel lonely, it can cause someone to feel very unlovable, and drain a lot from them mentally as they process what has happened, and physically as their body recovers. Showing up, reaching out, doing anything is better than nothing, I assure you.
But firstly, I think I should address the fact that there are lots of things not to say, here are three and the reasons why:
“Everything happens for a reason” – the reality is there is so little research into the causes of miscarriage and baby loss, and more often than not there is no reason, and won’t be any answers. The statement might be well meaning but it simply isn’t true. However, they may well reach this conclusion themselves, I know I said it (partly to convince myself), and I think if they say it first then it’s ok to repeat. The Self Space posted a brilliant alternative to this phrase: “Some things are just really, really sh*t and they should never have happened”. This sentence by far will be of more comfort than the former.
“At least you know you can get pregnant” – what good is conceiving and any length of pregnancy if you don’t get a baby at the end of it? Maintaining a pregnancy is just as much of an issue as having problems conceiving. Neither one is better or worse, and the fact you can do one of them is no consolation that you can’t do the other. Quite honestly when they are in the middle of miscarriage grief they will have wished they never got pregnant. Pregnancy wasn’t the goal, a baby was.
“At least it was early” – there is no good time to have a miscarriage. As soon as they found out they were pregnant a dialogue will have started with that baby, excited thoughts and feelings will have been all consuming, and plans will have been mentally made. I know from pregnancy after loss that as the weeks go by and you know statistically the risk of miscarriage gets lower you feel a little less nervous and like it might all end up ok. Losing a baby when you’ve slowly gained confidence is incredibly hard, but this statement belittles a loss that occurred in the first few weeks, and it can make someone feel like their grief is invalid and unnecessary just because of when it happened.
https://www.instagram.com/p/CUVcqP5I-HN/
But don’t get worried about saying the wrong thing, or let it put you off doing something to support someone. Being too scared to show up for someone in case you make it worse is what will actually make it worse. People said all the wrong things when I went through our miscarriages but I knew each one was well meaning and I took comfort in the sentiment even if the words weren’t so helpful.
Instead of listing all the things not to do, here are the three things you absolutely should do:
Acknowledge the grief – it’s not just sadness, it’s not solely depression, it is grief, so verbalise your acknowledgement by saying things like “I can see you are grieving” and “miscarriage is a unique form of loss and grief, I’m here for you for as long as it takes”. Everyone grieves in their own way, it’s a deeply personal expression and process. If they want to sit and cry for hours on end, sit with them. If they want to watch trashy telly, watch it too. If they want to stay in bed all day, lay with them. Do not tell them to do something they are not already doing – they are quite likely doing all they can right now, surviving.
Acknowledge the loss - it wasn’t a thing, or a blob, or some cells, it was a baby. And more than that, the loss was the whole life that that child was going to live as well. They will have pictured the birth and new born cuddles but they’ll have also pictured first birthdays, Christmas mornings, family holidays, movie nights, driving lessons, graduations, weddings and everything in between. In your comfort and support remember that they have not just lost a baby, they’ve lost the future with that child as well. They may want to talk about it, but they also might not – either way know that there is more to the loss than the baby itself.
Acknowledge the baby – many people suffering miscarriage will have found out if their baby was a girl or a boy, and some may have given birth vaginally and met them earth side for a few short hours. They may well have named their baby, if they have please use their name. To avoid their name is to treat them like they didn't exist. Elle from Feathering The Empty Nest wrote a book called “Ask Me His Name” after she longed for people to say her son Teddy's name, and has a beautiful blog uniting parents in similar situations.
https://www.plumandashby.co.uk/blogs/plum-ashby/tommys-the-baby-charity-work
On a more practical level there is definitely things you can do for someone suffering a miscarriage. If they feel up for visitors then definitely be there for them physically. If they can’t face people then you can still deliver and drop off things they’d appreciate.
Bring food – they won’t necessarily feel like eating, and I can guarantee you they won’t feel like cooking. By delivering something that can go into the freezer, or straight into the oven is a great way to look after their physical wellbeing whilst basic functioning might be really hard for them for a while. If you don’t like to cook you can pick up, or have delivered delicious meals from Cook.
Buy a candle – often this is a cop out gift but when it comes to miscarriage there is something quite significant about it. Each October at the end of Baby Loss Awareness Week there is a ‘wave of light’ where candles are lit in memory of babies lost. Plum and Ashby created an official candle where 100% of the profits go to Tommy’s, but any candle would be gratefully received.
Send a gift basket – there is no gift that will cure the pain of a miscarriage, but thoughtful gifts can go a long way. Etsy have some brilliant options to send something post box friendly but curated in a sensitive way for miscarriage specifically. Check out this gift box (by Little Rainbow Gift), or this pamper set (by Heavenly Boxes Ltd), and you get to support a small business in the process!
Something for self-care – miscarriage has a massive knock on a woman and her relationship with her body. Self-care (let alone self-love) is very far down the list of priorities. A gift that includes some self-care goodies is a great way to gently encourage small steps towards looking after the body that they feel has betrayed them. A bath bomb, a sleep spray, a face mask or nail varnish will help remind them that rest and relaxation will be important for a while. I loved receiving a copy of Breathe magazine as well, so I could escape reading the in-depth articles that taught me ways to work on my wellness and physical recovery after miscarrying.
https://www.etsy.com/uk/listing/1049360437/forget-me-not-baby-loss-gift-box
Grief and heart ache following a miscarriage comes in waves. It’s not just bad for the first few weeks, it can hit someone for months and years to come, and it can hit when they least expect it. I remember struggling to hold back tears stood behind a lady with a toddler in the queue at Sainsbury’s a few weeks later. I thought I’d be fine popping to the shops but it was unexpectedly triggering. As a friend, offer to pick up shopping, or at least accompany them the first time they venture out. Having a hand to hold, someone to exchange a glance with, or to accompany them back out of the shop midway round is an incredible and important way to support someone in their recovery.
Continue to be sensitive around the subject of babies and pregnancy, don’t expect them to just ‘get over it’ or ‘move on’ any time soon. They are the same person as before, but they will be changed forever. There is so much to process, and a lot of healing someone does after a miscarriage. Be patient, and be kind. They will return to normal activities, and be able to hold normal conversations in due course. Knowing you are there for them every step of the way will make a huge difference.
Lastly, don’t forget the dad. He too is grieving, he too has lost a baby and a lifetime of memories with them, he too will need a hug, a meal, and some comfort. He’ll be going through his own grief whilst watching his partner going through the loss physically. A miscarriage can put strain on a relationship, so please remember to support both parents. It was his baby too.
https://www.instagram.com/p/CUz2Su8M9jr/
I hope these tips help inspire you in the ways you can be there for another person, after all 1 in 4 pregnancies end in loss – so there is a high chance you will be in a situation of supporting a loved one going through miscarriage at some point or another.
